A lot of you already know that I battle illness pretty much everyday. From my Diabetes to the RSD, but I get sick quite often too. No this is not a woe is me story, I promise.
Bobby and I have had issues in the past getting pregnant, but with Christ we know all things are possible, we know He can give us another child, at this moment I wonder, "Does He want us to have another one?" In the last 11 mos. I have had two early miscarriages and although disappointing I know God has His reasons.
My faith tells me if it is still placed on my heart to have another, well then it is God's will. But then a nagging voice keeps saying, "Your not healthy enough. You're always in pain with the two you have. They will resent you one day."
I know God wants to bless us, I just don't want to hold Him back from doing it. I want my heart to be completely filled with the knowledge that He can do anything!! I should not be afraid to be "fruitful," and I shall not fear a blessing. The guilt is what gets me, what if I love my kids so much, but they end up having to take care of me way before they should have to. I have so much to teach them.
So this is where prayer steps in. I lay my worries at the feet of my Daddy, and ask for strength against the doubt trying to rip at His will, to suit up in my Armor and fight. I am still a fighter no matter what disease tries to plague me. I come from a long line of fighters. I pray He walks me through the valley so I can take stand on the mountain, and declare His glory to the world!!
My God reigns and I know He has got this! So I give this fear, doubt, and worry to Him, because He has way better things planned for me :)
Thanks for letting me vent!
Shevonne
